The Bird Story

Okay, here is the story that was promised, but it comes with a warning: You may learn more about us than you would like...

Last October after a day of running errands like crazy, Bill and I came home with the kids and put them in bed. We came back out to the kitchen to start soaking some beans in the crock pot to make chili the next day. No, you are not going to learn that we are a gassy family. That wasn't the warning! As I bent over to get the crock pot out of the lazy susan, I looked over my shoulder and saw this pidgeon looking bird sitting on the curtain rod of the sliding door in our dining room. When I saw it I said, "Bill, please tell me you bought me a cute little bird for decoration." You see, it was perched perfectly on the end of the curtain rod like it had been placed there for decoration. Bill looked up, and jumped about a mile and said, "Holy crap, there's a bird in our house!" That dumb thing just sat there like nothing was happening. We had no idea what to do. So we started calling family, neighbors, anyone to help. But we couldn't find anyone. So it was up to the two biggest chickens in the world to attempt to get the stinkin' thing out of our house. What would you all do? Well, since we had no prior experience in "bird shooing" we opened all of the doors (hoping one of his little bird friends wouldn't fly in and join him) and turned on all of the outside lights trying to make that stupid bird "go toward the light." Then with all the doors opened, we started throwing dish rags at it. This only freaked us out - not the bird - because it started flying all over the place while Bill and I ran all over the house screaming like little girls. It finally landed in some greenery I had for decoration on top of our kitchen cupboards. I now wonder how smart that is to put things like that in your house if it is enticing to wildlife! Anyway, we kept throwing rags at it, and it kept flying. One time we threw the rags and it flew all over the house, scaring us so bad that we lost sight of it. So Bill climbed on a chair to look up on top of the cupboards again and came face to face with the red-eyed varmit. Bill jumped down and ran so fast because he thought it was going to peck his eyes out. But it didn't. It was a relatively mild thing. Luckily, the kids slept through all of this. All of this continued for about an hour. What a nightmare. Finally, the dang bird landed right behind the OPEN front door, right in the corner between the door and the wall. Why he wouldn't just fly out, I don't know. But the thing just sat there and looked at us. I told Bill we were just going to have to catch the thing and get it outside, which meant HE had to catch it and get it outside while I watch. After all, he is the man of the house. (Lucky for him!) So Bill went and got a laundry basket and covered it with a blanket so he didn't have to see or feel the bird fly around when he caught it. He stood there looking at the bird for seriously five minutes or so, taking many deep breaths while I told him to just do it and show me what a man he is. He was so scared and was taking so long! So I chime in with my cheerleader dialogue saying, "Bill, seriously, if you get that thing out of our house, you will have the best "you-know-what" you have ever had!" So that was apparently a good enough motivation, and he covered the bird with the basket, slid it across the back of the door, I opened the front door slowly, and Bill threw all of it outside - bird, basket, and blanket, and slammed the door. So, that is our bird story.

The moral of the story: Bribes work for husbands, even if you don't follow through with the bribe!